


In the Stillness of Remembering

by kate7h



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depressed Eren Yeager, Dreams, Gen, Mother-Son Relationship, post- chapter 70, talking to Carla in a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate7h/pseuds/kate7h
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren dreams he's back in his old home, talking to his mother. It's a much more peaceful place than reality is. Post- Historia's coronation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Stillness of Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing too many where Eren is sad, so I wrote one to make him feel a bit better. Enjoy!

Eren stared up at the ceiling, the darkness of the room invading his mind. It was still in the middle of the night, and that was one of Eren's least favorite things. But it was better, more tolerable, since he moved back into a barracks with the other boys from his squad. Armin and Jean and Connie's sleeping breaths were something better to concentrate on than his own thoughts.

He sighed, wishing he would just  _ go to sleep already _ . But this was every night. He was either awake into the earliest hours of morning, or he was tormented with endless nightmares that just picked up every time he shut his eyes. He didn't think he ever understood the meaning of restlessness until these last few months. 

Turning over, he twisted in his covers, staring across the dark room blankly, willing his eyes to droop. 

They must have eventually, because the next thing he knew was that the sunlight was streaming in through the window. Eren sat up, groggily rubbing his eyes. As he blinked, waking more, he realized that the room wasn't the barracks he'd fallen asleep in. It was far too small, homely. He got up, startled.

"What the hell?" he muttered, when suddenly he recognized the room, this room which he'd lived in until that day the titan's had broken through. The day his mother had died. This was his childhood bedroom.

Just then, the door opened and he nearly cried right then and there.

"Eren, good you're up. Why don't you come help me and Mikasa with breakfast," Carla Jaeger said, as if nothing was wrong. As if no time had passed. 

She ducked her head in and was about to leave again, disappear again, and Eren's heart hurt. 

"W-wait!"

She turned back to him, surprise in her face. "What's wrong?"

Eren walked up to her, (shit, he was taller than her now), and reached out, his hands hovering over her shoulders, afraid that if he touched her, she'd vanish. 

Carla smiled, pressing a hand to his face, and she was so  _ warm _ , Eren almost felt like he would melt in the comfort her touch brought. "Sweetie, you've grown so much."

His lip trembled, feeling moisture fill his eyes. "Mom… I've missed you so much…"

Her eyes softened, and he wasn't sure, but she suddenly seemed so aware of everything, everything he'd been through,  _ was _ going through, and she looked so sad, even through the smile she wore. "Eren, it's so good to see you."

It was almost too much. He closed his eyes, letting his tears fall and he wrapped his arms around her neck, hugging her tight. He hadn't really realized how much he missed her up until right then, knowing that this was a dream, and she would be gone again when he woke. He squeezed her tighter, wishing that dreams didn't have to end.

"You've been so brave. So brave and strong, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there with you," Carla murmured, rubbing circles into his back.

"S' not your fault, Mom." Eren shook his head against her. "I- I'm the one who should be sorry."

Carla pulled back, gripping his face between her hands, anger flecking at the edges of her eyes. "Now you listen to me. It's not your fault either, Eren. Don't be blaming yourself for that."

"No, I'm not," Eren, pulling her hands off of his face, holding them in his own. His hands were bigger than hers now too. "I didn't… I shouldn't have fought with you that day. It was stupid, and if I could go back...."

He shook his head again. "Mom, I didn't tell you that I love you! I hardly ever said that and now you’re- I can't take that back, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Mom…"

He was weeping now, and he wiped his sleeve against face.

She gripped his hand tighter and pulled him to sit beside her on his old bed. "You're afraid I didn't know that you loved me?"

Eren looked up, then down, looking at her hand wrapped around his own. Not thinking of a good enough response, he shrugged, and Carla laughed lightly.

"I knew you loved me, Eren. Of course I did. I'm your mother, and you were ten. And such a brat, so I really didn't mind that you didn't say it. I just knew."

His chest squeezed and Eren tried and failed to get himself to stop crying.  _ Dammit.  _ Even in a dream, he couldn't control this. He bowed his head, bringing a hand to his face as Carla rubbed circles into his back.

Since she'd died that day, Eren had had a million things he'd wanted to say to her. Stocked them up in his mind of 'Things I'll Never Get to Tell Mom.' Something interesting he'd seen, something new Armin had thought about the outside, Mikasa getting older, becoming one of the strongest of all of them (which really came as no surprise), and so many more. But in that moment, in this brief, heavenly visit, he couldn't think of a single thing to say. None of it seemed to matter. 

The room was quiet, and Eren didn't really feel like he needed to fill the silence. He just clung to her hand as she patted his back soothingly. If they spoke, it could only be about the horror, the gruesome mercilessness of this world. No, this blissful quiet was better. 

And yet, as he thought that, Carla spoke. "Eren, can I ask you something?"

Eren sniffled, rubbing his hand over his face. "Yeah, Mom. What is it?"

Carla smiled, a sad smile with heartbreak in her eyes. "In my heart of hearts, all I've ever wished for you was happiness. I know what this terrible world is like and I know what you've gone through. But even through that, have you been able to find any sort of joy? Any happiness to warm your heart through it?"

Eren stared blankly at her, his mind flashing through the deaths and destructions and betrayals and even his own wishing for that end. It was one thing after another since they'd graduated from the Cadets Corps. But still, he had to think hard, grasping at anything that would ease that melancholy in his mother's face.

But even as he tried, he couldn't bring himself to lie to her. This was a dream, it was all in his head anyways. 

He sighed, looking away from her. "It would be a lie if I said anything other than no. I'm… I have a hard time even being angry nowadays, and I have a lot to be angry about. No, I'm just… sad, Mom. I'm really sad, and I don't know how not to feel this…"

He covered his eyes again with his hand, his shoulders trembling. Honestly, he was relieved this was a dream. At least he wasn't actually crying in reality.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I wish you didn't have to go through all this pain. I wish I could wish it away for you," Carla murmured, his voice swollen as if she were crying too. She probably was. She reached her hand up, her fingers stroked through his hair. 

Too bad the world didn't work that way. You couldn't just wish for something like that. Freedom and joy both had to be fought for. He'd known this for his entire life. Fight, win, and live to fight again. But he was just so tired now. Sitting in this sun-soaked room beside his mother, he wasn't sure he could fights anymore. Perhaps he could just stay here with her. Leave behind the pain, the fight, the burden of humanity's existence, just let that crushing responsibility slip from his shoulders and remain here, peaceful. 

He knew he couldn't. This burden was his to bare until the war was over, one way or another.

"It's so much, Mom. All of it, it's just…" he trailed off, shaking his head once more. "Mom, I have to do it, I have to carry this through, but… I'm not sure I can see an end to this anymore, this endless fight…" Eren scoffed, lightly laughing a bitter laugh. "For 'Humanity's Greatest Hope' I don't think I have much hope anymore. That's ironic…"

She didn't reply, not that there was much she could say. Even if she was just a figment of his own subconscious, not even his mother could begin to understand what such a burden was like. And he didn't want her to. 

He ran a hand through his hair, fingers trembling. At least he wasn't crying anymore. "This all, I… Dad didn't tell me why… why it had to be me. Why he wanted to take this from the Reiss family, although I think I can understand that now. What was so important about me? I was fine with being me, why did he have to do this?"

Carla was quiet for a moment before speaking again. "I don't know that. But, do you think you aren't yourself now?"

"I- I am… it's just, I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be made special…." Eren shook his head. "I was fine just being a soldier."

Eren was glad his eyes were dryer, and he was content to just sit still as Carla continued to rub his back soothingly. Nothing could change the things that were, so it didn't really matter if he cried about the unfairness of it. It wouldn't make a difference. 

"Eren," Carla said softly, and Eren looked at her. Her eyes were moist and shone in the sunlight. And when she smiled, it was such a warmth he thought he'd never feel again. 

"I don't know the answers, and I can't relieve this burden of yours. But I can tell you that I believe in you. I believe in the person that you are, and I know that somehow, the light will shine. This darkness in the world can't go on forever. And if it's you, or someone else, or everyone working together, I believe in your strength to overcome the darkness."

Her words didn't change anything really, but for the first time in a long while, his heart felt more at ease. More peaceful. That weight on his shoulders feeling just a bit lighter. It many not change anything, but it was enough. Eren smiled, hugging her again.

"Thanks, Mom," he whispered.

"I love you so much, Eren," she said, hugging him close.

His lips trembled as fresh tears fell down his face. "I love you too, Mom."

The brightness grew, looking red on against his eyelids. He squeezed them shut, pressing his face more into her shoulder. 

When he opened his eyes though, he was back in his bed, the barracks just a drafty as it had been when he'd crawled into bed the night before. The bed sheets were pressed against his face. It was morning, the light a grey and dingy dawn.  _ It was just a dream _ , Eren thought sadly as he sat up, but his heart felt lighter somehow, as it had in the dream. 

"Eren," Armin asked from across the aisle of bed as he pulled a shirt over his head. "Are you alright?"

Eren blinked. "Yeah, why?"

"You're crying," Armin replied, and Eren lifted his fingers to his face, the liquid there confirming it. He was reminded of that day, the day Maria fell, and Mikasa had said the same thing. 

This was a different day. A better one. 

"It's alright." He looked up, sending Armin the most genuine smile he had felt like smiling in months. "It was a good dream."

The concern melted off of Armin's face, leaving behind his own, relieved looking smile. "I'm glad."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always very appreciated <3


End file.
